KINDA drunk now so cant remember if my title contains the right lyrics for .............?cant even remember who or what? how stupid!!!
1/1/2012 4:12 AM
It is 2012………………whoopee……..do I really care???! No………….just makes me a day older than as old as I am…………………this song that rang in my head, I entitled my entry for the new year as ‘Tuesday’s gone with the wind’……..thinking I was totally off base……….then I googled Tuesday’s gone…………and yes there was Lynnard Skynnard Tuesdays’ Gone etc…………my head is not as far gone as I figured, maybe just because music is a deep love with me, certainly certain songs, I adorelove…………..
I feel like my life is going to the wind, ………not like my poor mother’s excursion into hell in her teens, when the timing was WWII………….. I have to sell the house, however, I am not starving, I am not dying (that I know of), compared to probably 95% of Earth’s inhabitants, I am very lucky……….I am not totally alone, although I haven’t had sex for nigh on 11 years or even more, gave up keeping track, what’s the point if prospects are so bleak………………….my vagina is like Bleak House, my so called womanhood is defunct………..shame.,
Had a couple of chances back at the beginning of the new century, but lucky me, (I believe that I saved myself from perhaps a fate worse than dying of aids…….or hep c or whatever………let’s just say it I would have put myself in the straits of unreliable and less than honest, and perhaps l should add, less than honourable sexual history and consequences of those males who may find me attractive, but nevertheless just want a quick fuck………..so I allowed just the usual, dare I say, sounds so childish, immature and crappy……petting or whatever!! Then one more time there was J, who couldn’t get it up, but was happy to lick my body and then lie with me, but I couldn’t allow that as my bro and his wife and his 2 young daughters were not too too far from the room in which I was allotted (the bedroom of his youngest daughter who was in France with her mother, his wife). Also his older daughter could have conceivably returned home from Brbrge at anytime. J had a foot fetish and despite the agonizing awkwardness I suffered at the thought of any fella licking and sucking my toes, it did not seem to bother him. We had been acquaintances for many years (a chum of the x), and before marriage for either of us, I knew he fancied me, tho to come onto me *when I had not seen him or his wife for (we watched Elton sing live on the tv for Princess Di’s funeral in a local pub in his neck of the woods then) so that would have been 1996, I tink, just a smidgen of time before the shit hit the proverbial fan of my married life………..so back to foot fetish, this was the year that Pope Paul came to TO for the world youth conference…..was it 2002..sometime then so perhaps 6 years since I last saw J, and 16 years since I was off the market so to speak…………My bro (and his family) , who had always been friends with J, and were going up to visit for a summer weekend, asked me if I wanted to come (did I? nothing but pain, betrayal, rehab, lawyers, including my wicked lawyer husband against me of course, court, struggle, self esteem and confidence eroded to shit for the previous 5 years, trying to make it alright for my kids…………..sure, take me away, I need some fun excitement)!
So K was abroad, as I previously stated, but I liked J. better, we had a little history, and when we were both soused, interaction was pretty good………So I went, thinking I was smited with a husband who fucked off (he was a bud of J. first), and feeling like a fat, ugly fuck!......but the 2nd night we were there, the great food and booze flowed like water, my bro and J and I spent the hot humid in his swimming pool until about 4 the morning, talking about and listening to music (of which the 3 of us had much taste in common), and luxuriating in the deliciously cool chlorinated (I love the smell of swimming pools) water, at least I was: sidenote there would be nothing I’d love more on a hot summer night than to be cooling off in a swimming pool, listening to great music, at night…………yummy……….!!! Finally my bro had to retire to bed, so I got out the luverly pool, and put on my toweling dressing gown and went inside to retire myself, and say goodnight to J. Guess What!!!? he came onto me, to my utter disbelief, and ohso weak me, let him, mouthing my protestations about his wife, his kids, my bro and family not too far away ………….’what if, I let him!!’ Succumbing to some relatively safe male attention, I tried a different deterrent, knowing how much J. loved and respected my bro (a lot of people do), I said if I were my brother, would you still come onto me, ah shit the response was ‘you’re not’, and what can I say, except my flesh is willing, but sadly my will is weak! Anyway, I finally gave him the boot, I couldn’t risk him passing out (he is an alcoholic) and somebody coming into the room in the morning……..yuch!! But…..it was nice that he did not flinch at my horrendous withered leg, and of course I was so nice and clean, inside and out having spent 2 hours in a nicely chlorinated pool, and it did add some measure of substance to my lagging sense of womanhood……
Well, as far I know, no one ever found out about my indiscretion with a married man (so sorry to say not my first…….fucking cow you are), and J had some medical issues, and had his own bedroom and according to him rarely slept with his wife, which I must say came as no great surprise to me, honest!!!,
Saw the x tonight, he was royally stoned and when he is that state, he seems to have some sense of the shit he laid on me, our eldest son, the rest of the kids, his mother, my mother……………………..tonight actually he mentioned my boobs as he was kissing (he kisses everyone) me goodbye….he always loved my boobs, and fine boobs they have always been………but as I stated in previous post, he has blithely stated that he will never come back to me…….so I guess I am still angry at him even though for the sake of our 5 wonderful grownup kids, we have come to an amicable fork in the road. I would love for him to love and lust after me again, but alas, he does not seem to be the same man I married………when he is stonered, he has a connection to our past, but when he is sober, he has presented me with endless shows of emotional distance, and ‘thank God, I can pay the X her support payments and help out the kids still at uni, and we are family….as the corny song goes…….and me……….forget it, no longing, no lusting, so why do I keep hoping when it is obvious that, TIMEAND TIME AGAIN, nothing..
DIGRESSION #2
I am listening to some T REX, downloaded ‘the best of……’, a lot of the tracks I love (think Deborah) but I can’t remember the name of that particular LP, and boy does it take me back to long lonely evenings in my room at the Nurses’ Home, ………….did not quite realize it back then, but I suffered from naturally acquired chronic depression from the Irish (north) side of my family, so I guess along with horrible withered leg (although the rest of me looked damn good), of which I was profoundly ASHAMED, I was a very low young woman that year, so despondent and self-conscious (although I loved the English nurses uniforms back then, I still had to bare that leg with the blue dress and white pinny) and self-loathing, even though I seemed to have a reasonably attractive personality as I was befriended with an assortment of interesting young nurses, as well as the occasional male patient. Very fortunate and so lucky for me when I, just turned 21, arrived in London in September, 1972, from my loving family in Toronto, my dear nanny lived in Muswell Hill and on occasion on my days off I would go to her and she would treat me like a princess, plus my bohemian Aunt Betty and there was also the object of my intense desire whom I had met a year earlier on a solo visit the city I idolized, (another married alcoholic man, whose wife I loved) were other kind shelters I could retreat to. But the fact that my nursing theory marks were shit, although my nursing practice was very good, I found it difficult to study because of my desperate loneliness, depression, anxiety and perhaps a deep-seated apprehension that I might sink too low were too much to bear and I left the Brook at the end of my first year in London and continued my RN studies in Toronto, graduated in May 1974, and nursed for 12 years, and found it to be an extremely rewarding career, although horribly stressful at times, and I was a very good nurse.
ANYHOOOO, it is a new year, I only hope that I make it through alive, and that my loved ones are in for a great 2012, me too, I hope…!
when i sell my house, will i fade away? X who is helping me with negotiating a new mortgage suggests that i should now sell, as en may take a year off uni and cm wants to move into residence should he go to York U in sept.... so of course what is the point of me having my home here? I feel like i may be losing myself, but that is dumb i know, but the thought of leaving my house/home saddens me and makes me feel like an old doddering fart who may be on her way to a nursing home..........god forbid, i will die first, yes the kids are grown, yes the spouse has divorced me, yes perhaps PPS is robbing my mobility, cigarettes and acetaminophen are degrading my lungs and liver.............i feel so lost
well I finally inquired of the x as to whether there was any chance of us being together again.................he replied absolutley NOT!
I must admit that my internal emotions totally LURCHED in dejected and deflated .............
Of course in retrospect, especially upon reading all the past drivel re my x, it is probably just as well
I must admit that I went back into the castle dining room fighting back tears...........sit down and listening to all the wedding speeches...continued to sip my wine.......with my eyes trained on the head table of white and pink froth..I did not want anyone at the table, which was like 'old home week' consisting a bunch of my old 'com-padres' from my packed younger years...and my brother and his wife...It is a wedding after all, a happy occasion, and I have cried my angry and desolate tears in front of these people too often...and to think that I am in the midst of this group...I am a reinvented Carol, socialzing with x in a mature and reasonable manner.
and now, 4 months later, I am okay........... the longing is incrementally (I like that word) decreasing and waning with time. I still think that I would be the best thing that has happened to him since those drug addled and maniacal years at the end of the last century, but x is mired in a stupid relationship with someone who he is used to, so leave him to it...
I am lonely, but I am not alone...........doubting myself still, and feeling quite isolated, but that is my doing
on that date in 1978, my brother married Sue.... 23 years later, I received the legal document in the mail stating that I was officially divorced.........
As I have noted with great unease through the years, addictions embrace foodstuffs, diet PC fruity pop, endless possibilities of cross-addictions, I am now addicted to that PC caramel cashew crunch ice cream….and malhereusement, though not at all surprisingly, my cholesterol and triglyceride levels are elevated….and at my age that is not a good thing, (but as a self-destructive alcoholic friend, from way back, who is a physician, my age, said at 2007’s old *cronies’ (old *’buds’ of me and the X who used to hang at our home for most of my married life) xmas party to which I was invited, after many post separation/divorce years of zero contact, ‘you have to enjoy life, eat what you want, do what you want….Hey, Ja, I notice you’re not smoking…does that go for cigs too ???
Am really thrilled to be able to add videos to my blog.... well youtube videos at least. Will be even happier when I can figure how to add just music to my blog....
but for now this is great.
what's even greater is that my son has made a short video of his hero Carl Sagan. This is his first effort, (he has since made 3 more in his series) and I am so proud of him... he did it all by himself, from editing the sound, the background music and all the images...My dad would be so proud of you Cm....
I cant believe this song is by Ozzie Osbourne.... I recorded lotsa music that I liked on my cassette radio recorder (or whatever they were called) from the radio in the 80s and 90s. Gradually I am finding out what those numbers that I adored back then are and by whom. Thank you internet and google...
I came across this on one of my old tapes, and LOVE it... Even got the video, from the mid 90s one of the comments read!!
Sorry to say, have hardly ever listened to Ozzie's music mostly because, other than a couple of tracks on Deep Purples first album, I never liked heavy metal, which I am thinking Black Sabbath are.... O watched the Osbournes like many others and had a good few laughs, and enjoyed it until it became old and tired.
Anyways, cheers Mr. O for a fab, felt bit of music...
