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ach du himmel...     Fearful, am I ill, am I dying, am I riddled with cancer, or is my heart sending signals that yes, you have finally done it, after all these years of abuse and neglect.  Do I take my body for granted?  In some sense perhaps I do, but with large doses of the greatest of guilt and regret and depression.   Fear of going before I can hold my first grandchild, I love new life so.   Am I coasting on borrowed time?  Am I wallowing in self-pity or am I trying to be pragmatic for a change when it comes to the state of my being and my body?   Fearful, that is what I am.  The niggling ache in my shoulder, yes, my left shoulder.  Does that pain travel down my left arm or am I concentrating so much on my present malady, that the unpleasant nervy ache corresponds with my knowledge of signs and symptoms of cardiac malaise?   Do I feel dread and foreboding?  Not quite, but close.   It’s springtime, and everything is opening up and green is growing so splendidly, just like it did all those  years ago when I lost that little baby.   Am I fortunate?  Oh God yes, you betcha!!  I believe that I am luckier than millions and millions of beings in this troubled world.  Hell, I know for sure that I am lucky in large part because of where I was lucky enough to be born.  I am lucky because I love and am loved.  I have more than enough food to eat, I have modern technology at my fingertips, I have noone telling me what to do.  I even have a job that is so tailor-made for me that it is more than just a little extraordinary and fantastamagorical.    I am not trying to wallow in self-pity, really

26.4.09 04:56 Permalink / comment

just a feeling... .ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P {padding:0px;} .ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage {font-size:10pt;font-family:Verdana;} My dear In, Thank you so much for your change of heart, and thinking about our children and their future.  You know I will always love you and I worry about you.  This is just my impression and my opinion, but with whatever little contact I have with you these days, I see you as a lost soul.   I remember such a vibrant human being, who always thought about his large family (both of them) and his fellow human beings, listened to others, but did what he felt was the best.  I get the feeling that you are trying to please everybody at times.  I also feel that your feelings are easily swayed.  These days you remind me a lot of how your mother would so often change directions about important matters after speaking with different significant others in her life. I have heard that you have been paying your partner's vet bills.  I know it is your life, but you know how financially strapped you are, and I feel that you really have to think long and hard about what is morally right and therefore prioritize how you spend your hard-earned (and God knows I know that you work hard) cash. Maybe I am wrong, or there are other important factors in your personal life, but I have been through the emotional wringer for the past few days and you have no idea how deep the wounds go in the minds of some of your sons.  It was a totally catastrophic time for the Sutherland Clan back at the turn of the century.  Please know that I am not out to get you, I most certainly mean you no ill will, and that my life is still centered around our children, for as long as they need me. As I said before, thank you for reconsidering your decision.  I am very grateful, and please know that the feelings that I have just expressed are not for the sake of malice, but because I really do care about you, and will always treasure and mourn what we once had. If you ever need my help as a friend, I hope you know that I am here for you, despite all that has gone on in the past few years. Cl x

4.4.09 06:19 Permalink / comment

whew! Hi Sweetheart,   I am sorry. I didn't intent to cause such a storm.   My financial position remains terrible. I continue to live from hand to mouth, I owe over $15,000.00 in 2007 taxes and have paid nothing for 2008 or 2009 or toward my 2008 GST bill (about another $9,000.00). My income in 2008 was down substantially and, given the recession, it seems likely it will be down again in 2009. I am trying to survive. If I had to declare bankruptcy again it would cripple my ability to earn an income.   Let me suggest this:   Would you be content if I increased the amount of your spousal support by $800.00 per month until En returns to school? Then we can resume child support payments as per the table amount. You would have to pay a bit more in taxes. But I would get a big tax saving.   Let me know if that will solve the problem.

4.4.09 06:16 Permalink / comment

please... ----- Original Message ----- Sent: Wednesday, April 01, 2009 9:14 PM Subject: RE: PAYMENT .ExternalClass p.EC_MsoNormal, .ExternalClass li.EC_MsoNormal, .ExternalClass div.EC_MsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman';} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt;} .ExternalClass div.EC_Section1 {page:Section1;} You have really got us all in an uproar.  Our mortgage payment is $1770. per month, and of course there are the utility bills, food, transportation, medication costs to pay.  I make on average $600 a month in working at a job where the hours are unpredictable with regard to how many shifts are available.  Before you tell me to work more hours, I remind you that I am suffering from a disability that will worsen, especially if I overtax myself physically.  I do not want to end up in a wheelchair, so I work 2 or 3 shifts a week.  By cutting over $1000 off the monthly support payments you have been sending, you are compromising my ability to maintain our (meaning myself and 2 or 3 of our sons) standard of living. I just dont understand your take on our 2 youngest sons, who work in order to finance their higher education.  En is going back to school in September.  The present school university year got totally screwed up due to a labour dispute, so he is working in order to pay for his education, some food, ttc, and entertainment.  He helps me as much as he can, but his monthly expenses, including his orthodontic share, dont leave him much left over.  He, as you already know, will work even less hours when he returns to York so that he can succeed in getting good marks. Your other son, Cm, is away 6 days at week, either working, or at College, or studying.  He has very little down time and this has been his life for at least 4 years now.  He is paying his college fees himself.  He gave me money every month to help with the bills, but he is now in considerable debt and is not able to help as much.  He is a splendid young man, who has great ambitions and talent, who wants to get a good job.  He is greatly stressed by your new decree, as is Evan. You see, this is their home.  It is not just a house that can be sold in order to solve all your problems (i.e. the 'ex').  I reckon that Callum and Evan may want to stay in this home, for a few more years in order to have the best environment in which to work toward their final departure from here to follow their goals and dreams and their futures.  We pay $1,770 a month to live here.  I doubt we could find somewhere to rent for less, which would allow the 3 or 4 of us to live comfortably.  In addition, with the introduction of a harmonized sales tax, increased minimum wage and subsequent inflation, our dollars are becoming harder to stretch.  Aside from that, moving our home of 20 odd years, would present a major stress for all of us, a huge disruption for our younger sons I am asking you to keep the support at a decent level for just a few more years until the boys are finished their pursuing their college/university careers.  Going to school and working is hard enough for our wonderful sons without you causing a major, major upheaval in their lives, on top of the horrendous upheaval they have already gone through. You now have a partner living with you, who probably makes a good buck.  Are your living expenses not halved by now, therefore giving you more leeway to deal with your Revenue Canada problem? In, you left us!  It was your choice.  We have 5 children together, 2, right now, who are struggling to finish their education.  I believe that we have a huge responsibility to help them into the world, despite our failings.  They did not ask to be born.  As my lawyer explained to me, I am entitled to spousal support, because of the fact that I was the primary caregiver raising our 5 children, thereby cutting my money earning potential.  Of course, I would not have ever chosen a career over raising our children, but the fact remains that you left me and took a long time to own up to your legal and moral responsibilities. So, please, do what is best for our children, and help them reach their potential.  We have wonderful kids, don’t screw things up for the sake of following an income/support guide to the letter and making minimum payments, or your need to get me out of your life.  These are our kids and always will be, and if you truly are a good man, you will do all you can to support them in any way.

4.4.09 06:15 Permalink / comment

Hey, I back...... November 14, 2008 It’s been over one year since I last blogged!!! Partly I have had the most awful luck with my computer(s)!  I actually forget how many computers I have been through since February 2007, when I last blogged! I have a refurbished computer that I actually won from work!!!  Yes I said work!  I have a job which I truly enjoy.  I make a bit of money, I get out into the world (a little) and I can work basically the days and shifts that I want, as much or as little as I please…  Sweet deal. I have also travelled to Australia and to Cuba!! Who’d have thunk it?? To catch me up I will place an email that I sent to my cuz (in Oz) to tell him where I am at in my life now (i.e., November 2008). It is a short glossed over account of almost 2 years of my life.  Whoooppsss!! OHH, NOO...I can’t find it in my hotmail sent folder!!  No wonder Mi did not respond!! Well, I don’t know what happened to it.  My daughter married her longtime love in, of all places, Cuba.  My whole famille, including my mum, all my kids and some of their S.O.’s went.  How amazing to be in a sweet resort, walking along the balmy tropical beach, and see so many of my loved ones, and some acquaintances…  So cool. The X and I talk, have even travelled around the city together, doing things for our kids…  We have attended S’s graduation from York, organized (sort of) Kyla’s engagement party, kids’ birthdays, congratulatory celebrations, even X’s bday party…. As far as X goes, he is in another world.  He is no longer mean and vindictive, but is more like the soft, kinder man I used to love, however, somewhere between assertive, dictatorial, megalomaniac asshole and now, he lost his balls, his spark, his passion.  He is back to the ‘turn the other cheek’ crap and whereas he presents himself at all our kids’ do’s, the lights are on, but nobody seems to be home.  It is like he cannot allow himself to open his mind/heart to his ‘loved ones’.  It is like he is a shell, looks the same, sometimes laughs and talks the same, but it is all on the surface and the depths of expression and  real emotion are sadly missing.  Oh yes, I must add that he let his ‘amour’ move into his 2 bedroom apt (which is above his office), with her three (yes 3) husky dogs!!  That is another story…of course.  Suffice to say when I asked him if he loved her, he replied:  “you know I love everybody”…… I must also add that his kids have disliked her ever since they first met her back in the days after his re-divorce when he took on a new ‘love’, finding her on Lavalife!!!  As I suspected, X has to have a broad by his side, no matter what!!  Ke has not grown on the kidz yet. Unfortunately, spending time with the X, still makes me yearn for him.  Despite the fact that he is totally immune to my charms, our history, and the fact that he repeatedly shows absolutely NO interest in me, other than my being his children’s’ mother (and the x to whom he still has to pay support monthly, which he does, with no problems, I am thrilled to report), I still want to break through his barriers and make him laugh and enjoy life as he should.  Alright, you may say, as I think he should, but I feel that I still know him and could save him from his lost self.  I still care about him and want to fix him…., but mercifully for me, my heart does not ache like it once did so endlessly, and perhaps I look upon the X as a challenge to be tried. As I have said before, more fool me…. No, I have not met anybody else.  I can’t even imagine being with someone else, or even being able to yuch, date, (I hate that word).  I have no confidence in myself in that area.   I also am confronting the fact that I am 3 years away from being 60 years old, and I am finding it harder to find a pic of me (to post on Lavalife) where I don’t look like an old lady(oh God, I look so old..).  It is so difficult. I don’t know why, but I found this article on my computer from a blog site.  Perhaps my sensitive son S had been looking at it.  However, it is an excellently written, thought provoking article on how it is to be really old.  The blogger’s tag is ‘The View from 90’.  I read it once and will read it more thoroughly after I finish this entry.  Maybe I can be inspired to accept my growing number of years more gracefully and contentedly… My life is fuller now than it was when I posted my last entry.  Yeahhh. Anyway that’s all for now. PS Just to connect this entry with my last entry…As I have noted with great unease through the years, addictions embrace foodstuffs, diet PC fruity pop, endless possibilities of cross-addictions,  I am now addicted to that PC caramel cashew crunch ice cream….and malhereusement, though not at all surprisingly, my cholesterol and triglyceride levels are elevated….and at my age that is not a good thing, (but as a self-destructive alcoholic friend, from way back, who is a physician, my age,  said at 2007’s old *cronies’ (old *’buds’ of me and the X who used to hang at our home for most of my married life)  xmas party to which I was invited, after many post separation/divorce years of zero contact, ‘you have to enjoy life, eat what you want, do what you want….Hey, Ja, I notice you’re not smoking…does that go for cigs too ???

15.11.08 03:19 Permalink / comment

caramel cashew crunch icecream I wish he had not brought the ice cream.  I remembered it hours after he had gone and decided to look in the freezer, hoping it would not be there.  Not knowing it was there, I did not acknowledge it.  I knew he would bring it because i remember how he was for all those years we spent together.  I feel twinges of sadness and pity for someone who once lauded cruelty, power and money over me.  It was my party for E's graduation from BA.  All his sibs were there except for C. who is usually working in his home away from home.  Funny to say ALL the family, because X was there.  We attended E's graduation ceremony on Wed..  Even my mum came along.  We were all very polite and pleasant to each other.  It was not too difficult, especially as it was E's day and we did not want anything to spoil it.  He drove us all to the Exhibition grounds where the ceremony was taking place, and drove mum  to the subway, and me home.  E took off with his buds afterwards. Of course when we arrived at the house, the home where we had raised our five children, I invited him in for a cup of tea.  I knew he would say no, which is exactly what he did. I sense that despite the politeness and shared stories of past delights, X has no interest in me anymore, which is a shame because malhereusment (?) i still yearn for him.  It makes it all the harder when he acts so like he used to be.... Ach, more fool me....

1.7.07 08:41 Permalink / comment

ever feel like a prayer... I am so sorry that people are suffering and dying.  I am so sorry that I treat my life blood so carelessly.  I am sorry if it is thought that I do not appreciate my lot.  I am sorry that I seem to suffer from anxiety depression disorders which seem to colour my world grey.  I am sorry that I do not do more to help other people.  I am sorry for hurting my mother and my children.  I don’t ever wish it to be thought that I would allow this to happen deliberately.  Thoughtlessness can creep into best intentions. I appreciate the wonderful country in which I live and knowing that I have so much when most of the world does not.  I appreciate the many years that I have lived, often with much love and adventure.  I appreciate the occasions that I have been able to make someone feel just a little better.  I appreciate the years that I have been privileged to nurture and teach my babies to grow. I hope that I am a good mother to my babies, now almost all grown.  I hope that I am a good daughter, because God knows my mother has been an astonishing human being who has cared for all her children in the way which is supreme.  I fervently wish that I never be overtaken by body and mind destroying anxiety ever again. I hope that I can live more years in relative health, comfort and decent mobility.  I hope that I can forever see my children be happy and healthy and wise.  I hope God forgives me for my digressions and I thank God for all you have given me..

2.6.07 10:25 Permalink / comment

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