Rambling lowness

Thursday, March 22, 2007 @ 16:33

Why oh why is depression seeping in?

As I listen to the selfchatter in my head, I hear a number of possible causes of the lowness.

Here they are and perhaps if they are expressed in this form, they will be less burdensome:

• I am now taking generic brand effexor which may or may not be as effective as the name brand…
• I am as usual short of money, which always causes deep seated unease and knowing that I am not financially very smart or wary….
• I spend too much each month on myself, it is like self medication I suppose.  I am aware that I could have more money to pay the bills if I did not spend on stuff for myself.  I feel happy when I seek and purchase some bargain article of clothing.  I justify it to myself by remembering how exquisite it was back in the day when I would fly to London and go shopping for such wonderful apparel.  I think to myself that during the days of raising my children, I could not buy too much for myself and more or less had to forego the pleasures of self-adornment.  I feel that I have reached a new pinnacle in trying to placate my low self-esteem by buying styles that I love and therefore, looking better….
• Robert had some blood in his stool, therefore, he is having a colonoscopy today.  I pray that he does not have involvement in the bowel.
• I am trying to quit smoking and not having much success and knowing that the more days that I some, the more chance doom and disease will creep in (if it has not already)
• I have chronic pain, some in my neck which smacks of perhaps refered pain from my cardiovascular region.
• I finished watching 5 seasons of sopranos.  I felt transported somewhat and realised that humanity is easily lost and that human life is so very frail and that despite love and loyalty, it can be all over for you.  Which brings me to another puzzling possible cause of this lowness.
• It is obvious to me that whatever thoughts I may have had as to seducing X by just being me is not working.  He has really no interest in me, which of course I have stated before, but as we have had contact recently, the opportunity has been there for some socialization, but X has not initiated in any way shape or form. 
• In watching sopranos, carm kicked tony out of his house and they began an official separation.  Due to tony’s nefarious influence in the region, poor carm could not find a lawyer willing to take on her case against tony, so they agree to ‘try again’.  As this happens I can so easily feel the lack of excitement, of wholeness, probably because I have gone through this myself and know that it more often than not, DOES NOT WORK……………..as they say, you cant go back.  Funnily enough, thinking of ‘togetherness withX’ actually feels like way too much trouble for way too little and indeed questionable reward.  In other words, perhaps I finally can see that it is dead, and that if there is anything left, then it should come to X by his own volition, and I should stop wishing and hoping.  Be careful what you wish for perhaps………………..
• I have so little self motivation.  There are a number of tasks that I could busy myself with that I want sorted before I die, for the sake of my loved ones, especially my kids, but what do I do, but waste endless time smoking and playing computer games, which in turn adds to the inevitable self-loathing.
• I have not yet corresponded with people with whom I should keep contact with.
• This in turn makes me feel small and unimportant, and worthless.
• I think back to my last visit to HSC, my old workplace.  There were about 3 or 4 colleagues who remained there.  We had cheery interaction, but in reading a past journal entry, I realized that I inspire little or no enthusiasm in others to keep me in the loop.  Margie, a colleague whom everyone loved, passed away some years ago, and no one thought to call me or let me know.  Despite my conversation reaching out to Irene, my former head nurse, I am obviously not worth further thought.  Having said this, it does not mean that I don’t understand the concept of both sides now.  I did not keep up my end of contact, therefore, I should not be surprised if I don’t inspire loyalty.

So all in all, there are a number of possible causes for this lowness, most of them self imposed, as usual.

I feel that I am wasting my life, because I am not really active in anything except myself. 

I do hope that I am at the very least a good mother and daughter and sister…