Hey, I back...... November 14, 2008 It’s been over one year since I last blogged!!! Partly I have had the most awful luck with my computer(s)!  I actually forget how many computers I have been through since February 2007, when I last blogged! I have a refurbished computer that I actually won from work!!!  Yes I said work!  I have a job which I truly enjoy.  I make a bit of money, I get out into the world (a little) and I can work basically the days and shifts that I want, as much or as little as I please…  Sweet deal. I have also travelled to Australia and to Cuba!! Who’d have thunk it?? To catch me up I will place an email that I sent to my cuz (in Oz) to tell him where I am at in my life now (i.e., November 2008). It is a short glossed over account of almost 2 years of my life.  Whoooppsss!! OHH, NOO...I can’t find it in my hotmail sent folder!!  No wonder Mi did not respond!! Well, I don’t know what happened to it.  My daughter married her longtime love in, of all places, Cuba.  My whole famille, including my mum, all my kids and some of their S.O.’s went.  How amazing to be in a sweet resort, walking along the balmy tropical beach, and see so many of my loved ones, and some acquaintances…  So cool. The X and I talk, have even travelled around the city together, doing things for our kids…  We have attended S’s graduation from York, organized (sort of) Kyla’s engagement party, kids’ birthdays, congratulatory celebrations, even X’s bday party…. As far as X goes, he is in another world.  He is no longer mean and vindictive, but is more like the soft, kinder man I used to love, however, somewhere between assertive, dictatorial, megalomaniac asshole and now, he lost his balls, his spark, his passion.  He is back to the ‘turn the other cheek’ crap and whereas he presents himself at all our kids’ do’s, the lights are on, but nobody seems to be home.  It is like he cannot allow himself to open his mind/heart to his ‘loved ones’.  It is like he is a shell, looks the same, sometimes laughs and talks the same, but it is all on the surface and the depths of expression and  real emotion are sadly missing.  Oh yes, I must add that he let his ‘amour’ move into his 2 bedroom apt (which is above his office), with her three (yes 3) husky dogs!!  That is another story…of course.  Suffice to say when I asked him if he loved her, he replied:  “you know I love everybody”…… I must also add that his kids have disliked her ever since they first met her back in the days after his re-divorce when he took on a new ‘love’, finding her on Lavalife!!!  As I suspected, X has to have a broad by his side, no matter what!!  Ke has not grown on the kidz yet. Unfortunately, spending time with the X, still makes me yearn for him.  Despite the fact that he is totally immune to my charms, our history, and the fact that he repeatedly shows absolutely NO interest in me, other than my being his children’s’ mother (and the x to whom he still has to pay support monthly, which he does, with no problems, I am thrilled to report), I still want to break through his barriers and make him laugh and enjoy life as he should.  Alright, you may say, as I think he should, but I feel that I still know him and could save him from his lost self.  I still care about him and want to fix him…., but mercifully for me, my heart does not ache like it once did so endlessly, and perhaps I look upon the X as a challenge to be tried. As I have said before, more fool me…. No, I have not met anybody else.  I can’t even imagine being with someone else, or even being able to yuch, date, (I hate that word).  I have no confidence in myself in that area.   I also am confronting the fact that I am 3 years away from being 60 years old, and I am finding it harder to find a pic of me (to post on Lavalife) where I don’t look like an old lady(oh God, I look so old..).  It is so difficult. I don’t know why, but I found this article on my computer from a blog site.  Perhaps my sensitive son S had been looking at it.  However, it is an excellently written, thought provoking article on how it is to be really old.  The blogger’s tag is ‘The View from 90’.  I read it once and will read it more thoroughly after I finish this entry.  Maybe I can be inspired to accept my growing number of years more gracefully and contentedly… My life is fuller now than it was when I posted my last entry.  Yeahhh. Anyway that’s all for now. PS Just to connect this entry with my last entry…As I have noted with great unease through the years, addictions embrace foodstuffs, diet PC fruity pop, endless possibilities of cross-addictions,  I am now addicted to that PC caramel cashew crunch ice cream….and malhereusement, though not at all surprisingly, my cholesterol and triglyceride levels are elevated….and at my age that is not a good thing, (but as a self-destructive alcoholic friend, from way back, who is a physician, my age,  said at 2007’s old *cronies’ (old *’buds’ of me and the X who used to hang at our home for most of my married life)  xmas party to which I was invited, after many post separation/divorce years of zero contact, ‘you have to enjoy life, eat what you want, do what you want….Hey, Ja, I notice you’re not smoking…does that go for cigs too ???

15.11.08 03:19 Permalink / comment

caramel cashew crunch icecream I wish he had not brought the ice cream.  I remembered it hours after he had gone and decided to look in the freezer, hoping it would not be there.  Not knowing it was there, I did not acknowledge it.  I knew he would bring it because i remember how he was for all those years we spent together.  I feel twinges of sadness and pity for someone who once lauded cruelty, power and money over me.  It was my party for E's graduation from BA.  All his sibs were there except for C. who is usually working in his home away from home.  Funny to say ALL the family, because X was there.  We attended E's graduation ceremony on Wed..  Even my mum came along.  We were all very polite and pleasant to each other.  It was not too difficult, especially as it was E's day and we did not want anything to spoil it.  He drove us all to the Exhibition grounds where the ceremony was taking place, and drove mum  to the subway, and me home.  E took off with his buds afterwards. Of course when we arrived at the house, the home where we had raised our five children, I invited him in for a cup of tea.  I knew he would say no, which is exactly what he did. I sense that despite the politeness and shared stories of past delights, X has no interest in me anymore, which is a shame because malhereusment (?) i still yearn for him.  It makes it all the harder when he acts so like he used to be.... Ach, more fool me....

1.7.07 08:41 Permalink / comment

ever feel like a prayer... I am so sorry that people are suffering and dying.  I am so sorry that I treat my life blood so carelessly.  I am sorry if it is thought that I do not appreciate my lot.  I am sorry that I seem to suffer from anxiety depression disorders which seem to colour my world grey.  I am sorry that I do not do more to help other people.  I am sorry for hurting my mother and my children.  I don’t ever wish it to be thought that I would allow this to happen deliberately.  Thoughtlessness can creep into best intentions. I appreciate the wonderful country in which I live and knowing that I have so much when most of the world does not.  I appreciate the many years that I have lived, often with much love and adventure.  I appreciate the occasions that I have been able to make someone feel just a little better.  I appreciate the years that I have been privileged to nurture and teach my babies to grow. I hope that I am a good mother to my babies, now almost all grown.  I hope that I am a good daughter, because God knows my mother has been an astonishing human being who has cared for all her children in the way which is supreme.  I fervently wish that I never be overtaken by body and mind destroying anxiety ever again. I hope that I can live more years in relative health, comfort and decent mobility.  I hope that I can forever see my children be happy and healthy and wise.  I hope God forgives me for my digressions and I thank God for all you have given me..

2.6.07 10:25 Permalink / comment

STUPID FASHIONHAUS.COM HOW DARE YOU INFECT MY BLOG WITH YOUR STUPID ADVERTISING, NOT JUST ONCE, BUT AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.  I AM DISGUSTED!!!!   DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT I WOULD BUY SOMETHING FROM YOUR WEBSITE WHEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO INVADE MY PERSONAL RETREAT!!!!   WITH ALL THE HORRENDOUS THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY, LOWLIFE LIKE YOU MAKE IT WORSE...   HAVE THE DECENCY TO APOLOGISE, AND TO CEASE THIS IMMORAL IMPOSITION ON MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

17.4.07 06:55 Permalink / comment

low rambling..... Rambling lowness   Thursday, March 22, 2007 @ 16:33   Why oh why is depression seeping in?   As I listen to the selfchatter in my head, I hear a number of possible causes of the lowness. Here they are and perhaps if they are expressed in this form, they will be less burdensome:   I am now taking generic brand effexor which may or may not be as effective as the name brand… I am as usual short of money, which always causes deep seated unease and knowing that I am not financially very smart or wary…. I spend too much each month on myself, it is like self medication I suppose.  I am aware that I could have more money to pay the bills if I did not spend on stuff for myself.  I feel happy when I seek and purchase some bargain article of clothing.  I justify it to myself by remembering how exquisite it was back in the day when I would fly to London and go shopping for such wonderful apparel.  I think to myself that during the days of raising my children, I could not buy too much for myself and more or less had to forego the pleasures of self-adornment.  I feel that I have reached a new pinnacle in trying to placate my low self-esteem by buying styles that I love and therefore, looking better…. Robert had some blood in his stool, therefore, he is having a colonoscopy today.  I pray that he does not have involvement in the bowel. I am trying to quit smoking and not having much success and knowing that the more days that I some, the more chance doom and disease will creep in (if it has not already) I have chronic pain, some in my neck which smacks of perhaps refered pain from my cardiovascular region. I finished watching 5 seasons of sopranos.  I felt transported somewhat and realised that humanity is easily lost and that human life is so very frail and that despite love and loyalty, it can be all over for you.  Which brings me to another puzzling possible cause of this lowness. It is obvious to me that whatever thoughts I may have had as to seducing X by just being me is not working.  He has really no interest in me, which of course I have stated before, but as we have had contact recently, the opportunity has been there for some socialization, but X has not initiated in any way shape or form.  In watching sopranos, carm kicked tony out of his house and they began an official separation.  Due to tony’s nefarious influence in the region, poor carm could not find a lawyer willing to take on her case against tony, so they agree to ‘try again’.  As this happens I can so easily feel the lack of excitement, of wholeness, probably because I have gone through this myself and know that it more often than not, DOES NOT WORK……………..as they say, you cant go back.  Funnily enough, thinking of ‘togetherness withX’ actually feels like way too much trouble for way too little and indeed questionable reward.  In other words, perhaps I finally can see that it is dead, and that if there is anything left, then it should come to X by his own volition, and I should stop wishing and hoping.  Be careful what you wish for perhaps……………….. I have so little self motivation.  There are a number of tasks that I could busy myself with that I want sorted before I die, for the sake of my loved ones, especially my kids, but what do I do, but waste endless time smoking and playing computer games, which in turn adds to the inevitable self-loathing. I have not yet corresponded with people with whom I should keep contact with. This in turn makes me feel small and unimportant, and worthless. I think back to my last visit to HSC, my old workplace.  There were about 3 or 4 colleagues who remained there.  We had cheery interaction, but in reading a past journal entry, I realized that I inspire little or no enthusiasm in others to keep me in the loop.  Margie, a colleague whom everyone loved, passed away some years ago, and no one thought to call me or let me know.  Despite my conversation reaching out to Irene, my former head nurse, I am obviously not worth further thought.  Having said this, it does not mean that I don’t understand the concept of both sides now.  I did not keep up my end of contact, therefore, I should not be surprised if I don’t inspire loyalty.   So all in all, there are a number of possible causes for this lowness, most of them self imposed, as usual.   I feel that I am wasting my life, because I am not really active in anything except myself.    I do hope that I am at the very least a good mother and daughter and sister…

22.3.07 20:37 Permalink / comment

my 2 beautiful baby boys S was just 3 and C was about 3 weeks......

24.2.07 03:07 Permalink / comment

who knows....

23.2.07 23:20 Permalink / comment

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